"bootiful?"

You've heard it a million times...or more.  Our society is overly focused on appearance and encourages young girls to appear emaciated and over sexualized.  You don't need to look any further than the Disney Channel or the magazines in your grocery check out aisle to see what the gold standard of beauty is in America...thin, tanned, and air brushed.  No girl who occurs in nature will ever look like that cover model, but our girls buy make up and hair products and fry their skin in tanning beds trying...And they continue to feel inadequate.  But this part of the story...the part where we blame our daughters' eating disorders on someone else or society at large...is not the whole story.

As an eating disorder survivor, I think I know a few things...
#1)  Eating disorders are not limited to girls.  Sometimes, boys have eating disorders and self esteem issues, too. 
#2)  Eating disorders and self esteem problems do come hand in hand. 
#3)  Eating disorders and self esteem issues are not caused by reading Cosmo in the check out aisle.  Our society's fascination with weight and appearance gives an already anxious child who feels badly about themselves something else to feel bad about and possibly gives them the idea to use weight loss as a tool help them gain control over a life that feels like it's spinning out of control or already feels like a sad, lonely disppointment.

There's some speculation about the exact causes of eating disorders, and sexual abuse is one of the life events believed to often be a prelude to eating disorders.  I'm sure many victims of eating disorders were sexually abused...and physically abused...and emotionally abused...and neglected...Something happens, or doesn't happen, in their very young years that makes them feel they are not good enough, not smart enough, not beautiful enough.

PLEASE celebrate your child...boy or girl...fat or thin...smart or dumb...gay or straight.  Find something in that child that makes your heart happy, that makes them special and unique, that makes you glad they are alive and in your life.  Then celebrate that.  Celebrate them.  Every day.  TELL your children, out loud, often, that they are beautiful to you...that they are strong...that they are your wonderful gift...that you are grateful for the miracle of their existence...that they are enough.  Don't stop telling them--ever.  Show them, too.  Hugs, kisses, smiles, photos.  Love.  Encouragement.   I am not a trained psychologist, but I truly believe that if a child is valued and loved and accepted just the way they are from the time they arrive on this earth, they will not have low self esteem.  They will not be highly susceptible to self destructive behavior including eating disorders, drug addictions, selecting abusive partners, or any of those wonderful things those of us with issues do.  I believe that a child who feels wonderful about what a fantastic person she is will not feel the urge to binge and purge just because the air brushed model on the cover of a magazine stares at her in the check out aisle. 

Unfortunately, even at this rather advance age, I spend way too much time running negative scripts in my head that say things like "I'm fat."  "I'm ugly."  "I don't know what I'm doing."  "I'm not as good as..."  Going to a cocktail party in a dress I felt terrible in the other night with a bunch of young, skinny, beautiful, well dressed women was a great opportunity for me to run those self depricating words through my heart and head over and over.  I felt truly awful about myself by the time I got home.  But then, my healers spoke...Who knew I would give birth to my biggest fans and best healers?  As I kissed 2 year old Dylan good night in bed, he told me "You bootiful mama."  Then 5 year old Jack, after realizing I came home with a raffle prize, asked me "Did you win your prize for being the prettiest girl there?"  As I basked in the glow of love and praise, I turned off the negative bitch who had been telling me all night that I was ugly and fat and not good enough.

Don't make your kids wait for their own kids to heal them.  Don't break them to begin with.  Love.  Praise.  Celebrate.  Don't ever let that negative bitch with her ugly scripts ever take up residence in your child!  Someday, you might realize that not only did you raise a confident, healthy child, but you also have a really great friend.   

hitting.

Ever since I witnessed something in Baby Vie yesterday, it's been weighing very heavily on my heart...Should I have said something?  Should I say something now?  What is my place?  How appropriate is it to assert my opinion and values?  Every parent wants, craves, and deserves autonomy in parenting.  Respect as a parent--from their child and from others.  Every single parent has a different heart, different priorities, different goals, different desires, different values...Even in the same family, no two parents are alike.  I respect our right as parents to be different from one another.  I respect other parents' prerogative to raise their children in the best way they see fit (within legal boundaries of course).

BUT...and isn't that where the most important statement is always made--after the but...I don't like hitting.  I especially don't like adults hitting children.  I know a lot of people believe that if you spare the rod you'll spoil the child and all that, but I don't like it. 

Yesterday, a mother brought her daughter, about 4 or 5 years old, to Story Time.  Presumably, the mother brought her daughter to have an enjoyable morning listening to stories and having some fun.  Trust me, I have seen some AWFUL children in my store.  Children come in who scream, throw, kick, break, run in and out the door...Not that my story would be made better by her bad behavior, but my story seems stranger because of her good behavior.  This little girl stood quietly by her mother...from what I could tell, not touching a thing or saying a word.  She must have done something the mother didn't like though because the mother whacked her across the back.   Not her bottom.  Not her hand.  Her back.  And looked at her like she couldn't stand her as she reprimanded for whatever happened.  The little girl continued standing there quietly while wringing her hands.  The mother smacked her hands and said something else hateful.  The girl stopped moving.

Hitting that stops short of being deemed abusive is legal in the USA.  CPS would not be interested in my story.  But it made my heart hurt.  It made my stomach turn.  It made me wonder how that child is treated when they're not in public.

Baby Vie is my store.  I don't like hitting.  I don't hit.  I especially don't hit children.  I cannot change your opinion about hitting or spanking or whatever you want to call corporal punishment of children.  You may agree with me;  you may not.  I don't wish to debate with you.  No words you will ever say to me will change the way I feel about this topic.  But since Baby Vie is mine, I get to make the rules there.  My official rule on hitting:  Do not hit anybody in Baby Vie.  If you disobey this rule, you are subject to scrutiny, comment and possibly removal from the store by myself and/or other members of the Baby Vie team.

To wrap up my rant, I would like to say that if you, as an adult, were to hit anybody other than your child, you could be brought up on assault and battery charges.  I would personally rather gain respect than fear.  Those children are not our property.  They are human beings who will choose our nursing homes someday.  Think your decisions through thoughtfully and lovingly.

one.

Little Miss is almost on her way!  She needs to trust herself.  She can walk on her own.  She just doesn't believe it yet, so for now, it's more than fine with me if she wants to stay close and hang on to mama.  Happy Birthday Kensie Rose!  You have no idea how glad I am that you came to share your life with us.  We're the luckiest family in the world!

**Baby Vie shoppers...Everything Kensie is wearing, right down to her "Birthday Girl" diaper cover, is from Baby Vie.  You only get to celebrate their first birthday once.  The right clothes make the celebration that much sweeter!

somebody.

There is no mysterious person named "Somebody" who is responsible for everything that needs fixing or paying for.  Somebody is you.  Somebody is me.  And the cooperative efforts and donations of many somebodies is what keeps the kids and their parents strong and hopeful at Rady Children's Hospital. 

As a family, we would like to thank all the somebodies who showed up and gave generously at the "Nick Gives Back" to Rady Children's Hospital fundraiser at Baby Vie today.  When somebody receives a toy to lift their spirits or a gas card to get them home from the hospital, they will be grateful that somebody cared enough to donate to a fundraiser like ours. 

"Be the change you want to see in the world."  --Mahatma Ghandi