"bootiful?"

You've heard it a million times...or more.  Our society is overly focused on appearance and encourages young girls to appear emaciated and over sexualized.  You don't need to look any further than the Disney Channel or the magazines in your grocery check out aisle to see what the gold standard of beauty is in America...thin, tanned, and air brushed.  No girl who occurs in nature will ever look like that cover model, but our girls buy make up and hair products and fry their skin in tanning beds trying...And they continue to feel inadequate.  But this part of the story...the part where we blame our daughters' eating disorders on someone else or society at large...is not the whole story.

As an eating disorder survivor, I think I know a few things...
#1)  Eating disorders are not limited to girls.  Sometimes, boys have eating disorders and self esteem issues, too. 
#2)  Eating disorders and self esteem problems do come hand in hand. 
#3)  Eating disorders and self esteem issues are not caused by reading Cosmo in the check out aisle.  Our society's fascination with weight and appearance gives an already anxious child who feels badly about themselves something else to feel bad about and possibly gives them the idea to use weight loss as a tool help them gain control over a life that feels like it's spinning out of control or already feels like a sad, lonely disppointment.

There's some speculation about the exact causes of eating disorders, and sexual abuse is one of the life events believed to often be a prelude to eating disorders.  I'm sure many victims of eating disorders were sexually abused...and physically abused...and emotionally abused...and neglected...Something happens, or doesn't happen, in their very young years that makes them feel they are not good enough, not smart enough, not beautiful enough.

PLEASE celebrate your child...boy or girl...fat or thin...smart or dumb...gay or straight.  Find something in that child that makes your heart happy, that makes them special and unique, that makes you glad they are alive and in your life.  Then celebrate that.  Celebrate them.  Every day.  TELL your children, out loud, often, that they are beautiful to you...that they are strong...that they are your wonderful gift...that you are grateful for the miracle of their existence...that they are enough.  Don't stop telling them--ever.  Show them, too.  Hugs, kisses, smiles, photos.  Love.  Encouragement.   I am not a trained psychologist, but I truly believe that if a child is valued and loved and accepted just the way they are from the time they arrive on this earth, they will not have low self esteem.  They will not be highly susceptible to self destructive behavior including eating disorders, drug addictions, selecting abusive partners, or any of those wonderful things those of us with issues do.  I believe that a child who feels wonderful about what a fantastic person she is will not feel the urge to binge and purge just because the air brushed model on the cover of a magazine stares at her in the check out aisle. 

Unfortunately, even at this rather advance age, I spend way too much time running negative scripts in my head that say things like "I'm fat."  "I'm ugly."  "I don't know what I'm doing."  "I'm not as good as..."  Going to a cocktail party in a dress I felt terrible in the other night with a bunch of young, skinny, beautiful, well dressed women was a great opportunity for me to run those self depricating words through my heart and head over and over.  I felt truly awful about myself by the time I got home.  But then, my healers spoke...Who knew I would give birth to my biggest fans and best healers?  As I kissed 2 year old Dylan good night in bed, he told me "You bootiful mama."  Then 5 year old Jack, after realizing I came home with a raffle prize, asked me "Did you win your prize for being the prettiest girl there?"  As I basked in the glow of love and praise, I turned off the negative bitch who had been telling me all night that I was ugly and fat and not good enough.

Don't make your kids wait for their own kids to heal them.  Don't break them to begin with.  Love.  Praise.  Celebrate.  Don't ever let that negative bitch with her ugly scripts ever take up residence in your child!  Someday, you might realize that not only did you raise a confident, healthy child, but you also have a really great friend.